How Veterans Can Talk to Kids About Cancer

Tips on Talking About Cancer With Kids

The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute recommends telling children that a loved one has cancer soon after they’re diagnosed. That way, children get the news right away (and not secondhand).

Here are some tips on talking to a child about cancer:

• Assure them it’s not their fault: Younger children may feel guilty when they learn a veteran has cancer — even though they obviously didn’t cause it. Help them understand this as best they can.
• Explain what cancer is: It might be a good idea to explain to younger children that cancer isn’t contagious. You might be able to give more details about what to expect after the diagnosis to older children and teens.
• Use direct language: Speaking as simply as possible will help the child understand what’s happening. Saying that a loved one is sick or has a cold could make them confused or think they could catch a veteran’s cancer.
• Validate them: Make sure that children understand that it’s OK to feel however they feel after learning a veteran they love has cancer.

What to Know Before the Talk

There’s no easy way to tell children that a veteran they love has cancer. However, there are some steps you can take to prepare before sharing the news.

The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute recommends:

• Encouraging the children to ask questions
• Expressing your emotions with the children — you don’t need to bottle them up
• Knowing how you may react during the talk (for example, you may start to cry)
• Making sure you have enough time to address your child’s questions or concerns
• Speaking naturally to the children
• Talking through any concerns about telling children with your spouse, family members, and/or a therapist

Additionally, the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute suggests not speaking to a child about the diagnosis if you aren’t ready to talk about it. You may also want to have another family member join the discussion for support.

Children’s Ages and Cancer Talks

You might need to take different approaches to talking with a child about cancer depending on their age. Learn how to tailor your conversations below.

• Toddlers and young children: Because of their age, these children may not fully understand what cancer is or may need to be reminded multiple times. Further, many of their concerns may be about themselves (such as if they caused it, how their life could change, and if it’s contagious). Use basic language to explain what’s happening and help them feel safe.
• Pre-teens: Kids aged 8 or older may have more questions about the diagnosis that should be answered simply. Children in this age group will likely have a better understanding of what’s going on and ask more specific questions.
• Teenagers: Since teens will likely have a good understanding of what cancer is, they may be reluctant to ask questions out of fear of getting upset (or upsetting you). Make sure to meet them where they are and openly discuss how much they want to know about the diagnosis.

Resources to Support a Child After a Veteran’s Cancer Diagnosis

Children can have a lot of anxiety and worries after a veteran they love has cancer. This can cause them to suffer from behavioral or mood issues.

The MD Anderson Cancer Center recommends getting help quickly if a child you love is having trouble dealing with a veteran’s cancer diagnosis.

Resources to support children include:

• School counselors: Counselors can help the child work through their problems. They can also work with parents/caregivers to form a plan to address the child’s needs outside of school.
• Support groups: There are support groups available for children whose loved ones have cancer. Support groups can help children connect with others in the same situation and help them feel less alone.
• Military family resources: Military OneSource (a Department of Defense-sponsored site) offers resources to help military families raise children. Several of its programs are geared toward stress management and helping children feel calmer. View Military OneSource’s parent and family resources.